Today I was relaxing eating a banana when I get a call from my friend Maxwell who wants to go down to Wall Street to go trolling for “protest pussy.” Of course I was shocked and horrified. In any event it soon came to pass he had never expected me to go with him but was really calling to borrow my “THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE” t-shirt to help him take advantage of young women. The cynicism of some people is just incredible.

this-is-what-a-feminist-looks-like: Phyllis Schlafly in the 70′s

I know I am not supposed to discuss politics here but while the spirit is willing I’m afraid the flesh is weak and I just can’t help myself. Not that I have anything shocking to say. I just want to go on record saying that no way in hell does Romney beat Newt in the Republican primary. The guy is like a liberal Democrat practically.  Of course you understand I’m not endorsing their politics, just making a prediction to show how smart I am. Also I noticed that Arianna Huffington sold her blog for $300 million and that has piqued my interest in punditry.

Obviously Im not actually studying for the LSAT but I am paralyzed with anxiety so I cant devote the necessary time here. Luckily the subject of degenerates in poker is so rich that I can pluck fruit from this tree and have some decently interesting filler while we all wait (with bated breath im sure) for me to be back in maximum form. I do need to include a disclaimer first which should be unnecessary for any student of modern literature, or really just any sophisticate in the postmodern world. Nonetheless:

THIS BLOG IS ENTIRELY A WORK OF FICTION. THE AUTHOR IS NOT THE SPEAKER. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSONS OR EVENTS IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. THIS IS TRUE NO MATTER HOW VEHEMENTLY IT IS ASSERTED IN THE TEXT THAT REAL EVENTS ARE BEING CHRONICLED. THIS IS MERELY A RHETORICAL DEVICE.

Now Im going to tell you a startling story that is 100% true which I witnessed with my own eyes. I went to an underground poker game, It was 25-25  half Omaha half Holdem. Obviously this is problematic because I don’t really play Omaha but I only had half my own action and this isn’t the point here anyway. For once it was like in the movies. Women whose day job is stripping are giving men massages with no technique but flesh on flesh sensuality.  There is loud music playing and as much Fiji water as you can drink. Men are wearing jewelry. Now 25-25 Omaha is a fucking enormous game and I was very scared. The player in seat 9 however clearly was not intimidated by the stakes. He had maybe 13k in front of him and was not shy about getting involved. Betting, raising, reraising etc.clearly this was no big deal to him.  Early 30s with a stubble and an unlit cigarette in his mouth and super expensive headphones clearly this guy was a top champion. We play for awhile and eventually he looses all his chips and quits. “Wow” I think not only is he a super aggressive champion but he isnt afraid to quit loser either. Impressive. What is the next thing I see? THE GUY IS IN THE BOX DEALING. Clearly my impression had been mistaken. What this means is that the guy was not comfortable because he was a champion but because he is a sick sick degenerate enjoying himself in his element. He didnt quit the game because he has amazing discipline he quit because he went busto; as in he has zero dollars and now its time to go to work to build up some money again. It is also very very likely that he was playing on credit and is now not at zero but now is working to get back to zero.  Each one is sicker than the next.

I dont want to give the impression that i am a great student of political photographs or anything but this is another one that I like. Lee Harvey and Marina Oswald in happier times on a train leaving Russia.

Of course it was incredibly stupid to launch a blog just when I should have been studying full time. But last week I wasn’t playing poker at all and I was so bored and I needed something to feed my fragile ego. Then as I said I played a huge marathon session where I won but I had to take adderall and that has put me out of commission a bit. It started because I was writing a post about poker degenerates and I figured I aught to play some short handed 30-60 while I wrote it. You can imagine the rest. Anyway now I’m very  nervous and I feel like Im about to vomit every hour that Im awake. I think I need to meditate. They are supposed to deliver a washer dryer to me tomorrow and now they are telling me they plan to leave them in the lobby. I really wasn’t built for this world.

In any event Ill tell you a funny story.  In a major Los Angeles casino there was a lady who was the catalyst for a poker game. In other words the game ran only when she showed up. they decided why not make her a prop (a player the house pays a salary to keep games going). She was happy, the players were happy and the casino was happy. There was only one problem, she liked to play long sessions and the casino told her that she could play a maximum of 72 hours straight. After all how would it look if she died at the table and they were paying her for 80 hours in a row. A lawyer might say they had liability.  In any event 3 days straight seemed like plenty to them but unfortunately this limitation proved to be a deal breaker. The lady would never quit after 3 days and the executives would come down and talk to her but there was always an excuse “Im running so bad” “Im running so good” “my lucky dealer is coming up” etc. so the casino was forced to fire her.

Here’s a really creepy picture that I like, Stalin in the background and his daughter Svetlana sitting on the lap of the notorious sexual predator Lavrentiy Beria:

I realize it is outrageous that I haven’t made a second post till now. I take 100% responsibility, however, I do have an apropos excuse. To make a long story short I got involved in a multi-day internet poker frenzy. When I got up today I felt sick like something terrible had happened.  Then I remembered  that I won big so I guess I can live with myself. Ill tell the whole story in the next post. My girlfriend is coming home tonight so I need to start cleaning fast . Its amazing how thoroughly I have trashed the place in only 3 days.

Out of what can only be a sublimated desire to act out the exact plot of the movie Rounders (where a professional poker player starts law school and then drops out) I am signed up to take the LSAT in just over a week, which means no gambling, no drugs, and no pills. The only (mentionable) indulgence i allow myself is chocolate and what is perhaps a strange daydream: that i own 2 lovable, lively, and expertly trained basset hounds named WhoMoose and Madeline who are boyfriend/girlfriend as well as being my constant companions and confidants. This is how I picture them, Madeline desperate for attention: You may have understood from the first picture that the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom; that I stand before you on the wrong side of 30, back from the fast and loose days of Internet poker, drenched in tears and hungry for redemption. But if you didn’t get all that, don’t sweat it, what I am trying to say is this: When I was a child I went to the Spearmint Rhino with a thousand dollar Bellagio chip in my pocket and was surprised when I could not find it in the morning. But today I know better, and if those Las Vegas sirens wanted to bet me that the jack of spades was going to jump out of the deck and squirt cider in my ear I would demure.